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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-30-2010, 11:39 PM Thread Starter
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Car Talk

I used to work on some rich guy's Saab's every Sat, and he had these guy's on the radio in his garage. I have not stopped listening since.

Here was some funny car verbage they had on their web site

SUBRIS: the excessive pride that causes owners of subarus and other all-wheel-drive cars to drive too fast when it snows.

DYSLEXUSIA: The inability to identify your luxury SUV among all the others in the Whole Foods parking lot.

PRIUS ENVY: Insecurity about the size of your mileage.

VOLVOID: The mysterious place where all the Volvo repair money goes.

MERCEDES BENDS: A painful and potentially debilitating condition triggered by making the monthly payments on an outrageously expensive German car.

JAG__S: A jerk who takes up two parking spaces to protect the paint job on his precious Jaguar.

2000 EX, fuel, air, and heat.
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-30-2010, 11:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Car Talk

These were some tombstones that they had posted.....

Car Talk. Car tips, advice, and troubleshooting. | As Read On Car Talk

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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-30-2010, 11:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Car Talk

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent -- don't miss the last one.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present at the time your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

2000 EX, fuel, air, and heat.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-30-2010, 11:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Car Talk

Favorite Rodney Dangerfield jokes submitted by our listeners

My wife is such a bad cook, she made alphabet soup, the kids spelled out HELP!

I was on a flight last week. It was a shaky, very shaky airline. The pilot comes over the intercom and says, "Does anyone know if LaGuardia is open late on Tuesdays?"

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

My car is always on a lift. It's got more miles vertically than horizontally.

2000 EX, fuel, air, and heat.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-30-2010, 11:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Car Talk

This was on the show a few weeks ago and I laughed so hard I almost hurt myself...


Learn More Better English

Abdicate—v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Balderdash—n., a rapidly receding hairline.

Bustard—n., a very rude Metrobus driver.

Carcinoma—n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Circumvent—n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Coffee—n., a person who is coughed upon.

Esplanade—v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Flabbergasted—adj., appalled at how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence—n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Gargoyle—n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Internet—n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to snare Bill Clinton.

Lymph—v., to walk with a lisp.

Macadam—n., the first man on Earth, according to the Scottish bible.

Marionettes—n., residents of Washington, DC, who have been jerked around by the mayor.

Negligent—adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Oyster—n., a person who sprinkles his or her conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Semantics—n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

Testicle—n., a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude—n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before s/he examines you.

Willy-nilly—adj., impotent.

2000 EX, fuel, air, and heat.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-30-2010, 11:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Car Talk

My wife is such a bad cook... the flies ALL chipped in and bought us a screen door.

One time I got lost from my parents — I asked a cop, "Do you think I'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there are so many places they could hide."
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

Even when I was a kid, I didn't get no respect. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through."

2000 EX, fuel, air, and heat.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-01-2010, 12:34 AM
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Re: Car Talk

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimdawg185 View Post
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent -- don't miss the last one.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present at the time your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
These crack me up

Entrepreneurs and their small enterprises are responsible for almost all the economic growth in the United States.
Ronald Reagan
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-01-2010, 01:42 AM
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Re: Car Talk

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimdawg185 View Post
My wife is such a bad cook... the flies ALL chipped in and bought us a screen door.

One time I got lost from my parents — I asked a cop, "Do you think I'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there are so many places they could hide."
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

Even when I was a kid, I didn't get no respect. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through."
Thanks I needed that I used my best Dangerfield voice reading it. Awesome
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-01-2010, 09:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Car Talk

Quote:
Originally Posted by morepower02 View Post
Thanks I needed that I used my best Dangerfield voice reading it. Awesome
Me too, it is just so much funnier with his voice.......

2000 EX, fuel, air, and heat.
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